Fragile and Dangerous – Men with Borderline Personality Disorder

"She'll be sorry."

“She’ll be sorry.”

The Predator

Most people are familiar with the characteristics of violent men, either by first-hand experience or through news and true crime books and TV shows. We all know what they look like: fearless, callous, thrill- and pleasure seeking guys who take what they want and who get easily frustrated if someone gets in their way. It’s the familiar antisocial person ranging from the neighbourhood thug who gets into fights when he is drunk, to the full-fledged psychopath that entirely lacks empathy and uses other people for money, sex or other benefits.

And the Prey?

People with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) are a completely different breed. Their core features are their desperate need for love and lack of interpersonal skills. They fall head over heels in love with people they don’t know the first thing about and then become disillusioned and deeply resentful when the other person fails to match their fantasies. They are emotionally unstable and vulnerable and they feel very hurt and betrayed when people, as they see it, let them down. They fear being abandoned and often threaten to kill themselves. Another typical behavior is self-harm, cutting or burning themselves.

Borderlines can often come across as poor and misunderstood – perhaps because they genuinely feel that way – and being vulnerable they hardly evoke any fear in others. Their melodramatic gestures are sometimes pathetic or tragic, but again, nothing that will scare anyone. But it should.


Despite of the soap opera-type behavior found in psychiatric literature, between 25-50 percent of people with borderline are boys and men, and males who are angry, jealous and hateful tend to be dangerous. Women may think these guys, with their frailness and tragic personas are intriguing and good projects for improvement. A typical example of what they may look like comes from the musical genre called Emo. As the name suggests it deals with emotionally intense feeling of romantic nature, often tragic and bitter themes. And like borderlines they are often interested in self-harm and suicide.

But bitterness and hate isn’t just expressed by self-destructive gestures. In the emo lyrics you can often find passages that would suggest violence towards partners as well. Here are some excerpts from one of the more popular emo bands Fall Out Boy’s song Chicago Is So Two Years Ago,

My heart is on my sleeve
Wear it like a bruise or black eye
My badge, my witness
Means that I believed
Every single lie you said

You want apologies
Girl, you might hold your breath
Until your breathing stops forever, forever
the only thing you’ll get
Is this curse on your lips:
I hope they taste of me forever

With every breath I wish your body will be broken again, again
With every breath I wish your body will be broken again, again
With every breath I wish your body will be broken again, again
With every breath I wish your body will be broken again

Lashing Out

While the emo isn’t the only borderline male it seems like a pretty good example. And like the lyrics above suggest, borderline violence isn’t just directed at the self. A study on correlates of personality disorders conducted by clinical psychologist Joshua Miller and colleagues confirms this violent aspect of BPD. They had students fill in self-measures of personality disorders as well as other measure of for instance crime and violence. As expected, they found that crime was most strongly associated with psychopathy (which is a dimensional trait that to some extent can be found in the normal population). Also as expected, borderline was linked to self-harm. But perhaps more surprisingly, borderline was also strongly correlated with intimate partner violence, even more so than for psychopathy and narcissism.

Self-measures may of course be exaggerated, especially when we are talking about people with a taste for drama. But other research confirms that this is for real. One study from 2007 by psychiatrist Donald Black found that around 30 percent of new inmates in Iowa met the criteria for borderline and another study from this year by psychiatrist Marc Schroeder and colleagues, again looking at actual offenders, found a similar pattern with borderline being the second most common personality disorder after antisocial personality disorder. Of offenders who had committed both sexual and non-sexual violent crime half were antisocials and a third were borderlines as compared to third most common category of narcissistic disorder at a mere 3 percent. Given that borderline is rare in the general population, around 1-2 percent, it’s clear that these individuals are very violent.

The Hidden Threat

So it seems the borderline personality is a large and rather hidden threat to women (and probably some men too although women are usually less violent). No one seems to talk about these men. They rarely feature in the media or public debate. Maybe it’s just because they are so fragile and look more like victims than perpetrators. Pointing the finger at these guys may feel like kicking on someone who is already lying down. But they are not victims of anything but their own shaky grip on reality, and excusing them or looking the other way will only make for more violence.


For a more personal and in-depth look at these guys, check out Shanon’s excellent post,

156 Responses to Fragile and Dangerous – Men with Borderline Personality Disorder

  1. Edward says:

    I can understand the legitimate point you are trying to make with this article, but feel I must point out that you are doing it in a sensationalist and potentially damaging way.

    Regarding the sensationalist slant, I won’t go further other than to draw attention to the image you’ve chosen to use at the top, and the connection you draw between harmful male BPD behaviour and Emo subculture (for the record, I am not an ‘Emo’, and also think that the lyrics you quote are completely awful in every conceivable sense). Also, you do use very emotive (no pun intended) words like ‘pathetic’ and ‘tragic’ to describe BPD behaviour.

    I completely understand, applaud and empathize with your declared intention to draw attention to the issue of intimate partner violence and other forms of harmful male BPD behaviour (I do have some indirect experience of this myself), since doing so may serve to assist others in avoiding being hurt. However, your article goes beyond this remit.

    You seem to be an intelligent person, so I won’t presume to insult your intelligence by telling you that there are always several ways to make the same point (or ‘it ain’t what you say, it’s the way that you say it’ as my old English lit teacher was fond of telling us). It looks like you’ve opted for the sensationalist/potentially damaging way of making your point, which is unfortunate.

    • Staffan says:

      Thanks for your comment,

      I see your point; this post does offend some by being direct and hard-hitting, maybe even sensational. My rationale for this is that it’s an effective way to break the taboo and the habit of tip toing around this issue.

      The response this post has gotten is an indication that I’m right. Women (and some men) are being discouraged and made to feel guilty for just talking about it. And I believe that attitude needs to be confronted with a certain amount of bluntness.

      • Edward says:

        It’s being direct and hard-hitting in a misguided way though, and as such there would be more effective ways of breaking the taboos and raising awareness of the issue, if that was your primary concern.

        The main problem I have with this is the explicit connection you draw between harmful male BPD behaviour and emo subculture. For example you state that ‘While the emo isn’t the only borderline male it seems like a pretty good example’. You then go on to state that ‘borderline is rare in the general population, around 1-2%’, and cite a study of inmates in Iowa which found that 30% met the criteria for BPD, so therefore ‘it’s clear that these individuals are very violent’.

        Now, if it were the case that ‘the Emo’ is ‘a pretty good example’ of the borderline male, then would it not follow that a significant proportion of the convicted 30% in the studies you mention would be Emos? I can’t say for certain, but I’ll go out on a limb here and guess that they aren’t. I’m perfectly willing to be proved wrong on this point if you have any stats about this.

        In short, it looks like you’re demonising Emos, which does detract from the credibility of the piece and isn’t necessary. As far as I (and many others) generally understand it, Emos and certain other subcultures are far more likely to be the victims of violence rather than the perpetrators of it (not sure if you’re aware of the story behind the SOPHIE campaign, but if not it would be worth a look. Sophie Lancaster and her partner weren’t Emos but would probably be identified as such by some).

        You’re talking about people noted for extremely hurtful, problematic and damaging behaviour, and say that Emos provide a ‘typical example of what they may look like’. This is demonising, sensationalist and misguided and will probably be recognised as such by anyone with even the slightest amount of perspicacity. I doubt it will help break any taboos or further any kind of altruistic ends; if it does anything it will most likely just make people hate Emos (and I’d say loads do already).

      • Staffan says:

        The thing is, I’m not trying to sort people in good or bad, but point out that some BPDs are dangerous. I used Emos to illustrate how their thinking, similar to BPDs, could translate to violence. That’s not to say that I know that Emos are more violent than others; there is no research on that as far as I know. The murder of Sophie Lancaster is tragic but it doesn’t contradict anything I’ve said.

        There are certainly many BPDs who are victims in many ways. But at the end of the day this is a group that is highly overrepresented in prisons for partner violence, and their victims must count too. It’s awfully quiet about that so I said something, maybe too sensational for your taste, but at least I said something.

        You say this approach will not help break any taboos, but look at the reaction this post had, a whole lot positive, from people with personal experience. It may not promote altruism, but then again victims of this violence or threat of violence are entitled to personal security. Where is the altruism or empathy for them? I’ve described the problems of BPD in the post and I’m not in any way opposed to them getting help.

  2. See says:

    Wow. This article is filled with fear mongering, and flat out rudeness.
    “They have bpd. Run as far as you can! ”

    The main point of this article is to see signs then run or hide. Your *adding* mental health stigma to an already stigmatized group of peoples.

    Your right; some people are dangerous, Some people are unsaveable, but god knows if there’s no one in that bpd person’s life then how are they going to find new values and ideas with which to clash with their own, hopefully leading to care and recovery down the road even if it is just for that person’s self.

    I guess the TL;DR is that bpd sufferers are just like the larger population of ‘normal’people that they live within. There’s a few dangerous ones but I think it’s false to assume all bpd sufferers are dangerous.

    • Staffan says:


      Fear mongering it’s not. We are talking about men who make up around 1 percent of the population and 30 percent of the prison population. And it’s largely due to sexual and violent crime. They are almost on level with psychopaths – that’s not “a few dangerous ones.” And sexual and violent crime scars people for life, something that many could have avoided if they had been exposed to a little more of what you call fear mongering.

      BPDs do get help, there is a diagnosis, there is treatment and research to improve their lives. But how much effort is put into helping their victims? I think we should help both BPDs and their victims. But any real help is based on knowledge, research and openly about it – not sweeping it under the rug out of misplaced concerns about stigmatization.

      Btw, if you’re interested in this topic you should check out the comments below. There are plenty of interesting reflections and observations there.

      • Maybe this can help says:

        How can one put this politely. As ridiculous as this sounds it may help.

        If I had a condition where I walked around spitting in peoples faces and then punching them in the stomach and if this condition made me feel ashamed yet I had very little control over it ALSO if most everyone I became intimate with was being spit on and punched in the stomach frequently by me …

        I’d imagine that even a borderline individual would suggest their “friend” or “loved one” avoid me at all costs.

        Point being the condition is reckless and destructive. Unfortunately borderlines must also be avoided much like someone who walks around spitting on people and punching them in the stomach.

        Yes I realize that in their minds they “don’t mean it” or they’re “very sorry” however those who suffer through them deserve understanding as well.

        Now let me take this one step further. This is the absolute truth from my point of view and very real personal experiences:

        Believe it or not I would rather be spit on and punched in the stomach than put through the literal Hell my borderlines have put me through in this lifetime.

        In fact being spit on and punched in the stomach sounds like a walk in the park!! as compared to what the borderlines in my life have put me through.

        So to wrap it up if you think someone who walks around spitting in peoples faces and punching them in the stomach is someone to be avoided? Guess what true blue Borderlines have someone like that beat in the destroying of other peoples lives department.

        So absolutely positively YES avoid borderlines until they have had plenty of therapy and their therapist can absolutely assure you they are now safe for intimate human interaction.

        Just my two cents … do with it what you will.

      • Sven, oslo norway says:

        This so called material you use in this post is so thin that it doesn’t do shit for your stigmatizing comb-over post.
        For instance you state Borderlines make about 30% of prison population. You also state that these are Mostly violent and sexual crimes.. Well I would like to know What kind of prison that is, because the overall majority of crimes in general is drug related and other indulging non-violente crimes. If you were right, then actually All of the violente crime is commited by borderlines, that leaves the anti-social ones (which actually have crime as a criteria for theire diagnozes..) And all the others non-disturbed to the pity crimes..
        You have just anounced male BPDs the worst breed existing!
        Congratulation on that one!
        But of course you are way off here. There is no statistics or studies supporting this level of anti-social behaviour in male BPDs at all. Sure you’re right on aggression beeing a mechanism in some BPD behaviour. But this rarely becomes violent, and that the violence also suggested as being sexual is just something you have taken out of your thin air. It is simply not true.
        Its evidented that 10% of BPDs achieves killing them self. Thats why its put “suicidal thoughts, behaviour or risk” in the diagnostic criterias.
        Had violence or sexual predatory
        been just as commen, it would be mentioned in some form there. It isnt. And neither are there other facts that substancuate your wildly stigmatizing post.
        BPDs are not the easiest people to commit to or live with… But most of us do have both a concience and empathy for others. Often Even enhanced to unhealthy levels. Both being ultimatly emotional “brakes” that become limits for our aggression (as in every body else.. Perhaps excluding the anti-social ones..)
        Sure, temper tantrums are no stranger to BPDs and theire loved ones.. Throwing things around, suggesting self harm.. Or beeing a bit verbalizing unconstructive, But its rare it becomes violent.
        These post should therefore introduce the differently. This is not Even loosly connected to BPD traits.

  3. miketoohey says:

    Just for general knowledge – can you provide your qualifications and experience with borderline patients. The internet is made up of many many “armchair shrinks” who really have no clue what they are discussing and contribute to a culture of fear and stigmatize people who are already suffering from a difficult disorder.

    So what degrees do you have? How many patients do you see? How long have you been in practice? What is your experience with DBT and group therapy?

    • Staffan says:

      I’m no expert but rely on the evidence presented and linked in the text above. But if you want to appeal to authority rather than evidence then know that in science evidence is the only authority.

    • Been There says:

      Staffan’s simply repeating what the experts have to say and write. I’ve yet to see him claim he’s an expert in any way, shape or form.

      He’s offering people some valuable information that may help them avoid the awful experience that is dealing with a true borderline personality.

      Thank you Staffan! We appreciate you helping bring this subject to light. The victims of these people deserve advocates as well.

      We often expect the victims to rise above while the emotionally challenged receive the majority of the empathy.

      Thank you Staffan keep up the good work!

  4. KjBeals says:

    Out of a relationship with a borderline man and it was a freak show. He has messed up his children and now his grandchildren because he will not get help. Never told me about his diagnosis, I found out by accident as he screwed up giving me his medical records to review.

    My advice to anyone in an abusive borderline relationship, R-U-N!

    This sick twisted abuser called the cops on me in the end as I was waiting to move into an apartment.

    Honestly, as far as I’m concerned if they refuse help they should be placed on a rocket and relocated to Mars.

    All this one does is repeat the same cycles. I am so tired of hearing about their “illness”. They make others I’ll, but that doesn’t seem to matter.

    • Staffan says:

      Thanks for your comment, lots of other have commented above sharing similar experiences which you may found interesting.

      I can understand you being tired of hearing about their “illness.” Regardless of intentions, psychiatry has a way of shifting responsibility from abuser to victim in this case. The way I see it is they are either incompetent and should be treated or they are competent and responsible for their own actions. Either way, their partners are not responsible and have every reason to leave if they become abusive.

  5. Jayslin says:

    I was idolized in the beginning, was told he was going through a divorce, he swore on his Son’s life he was leaving his wife, he begged me not to give up on him. He would call me several times a day and if I didn’t pick up, I received several texts asking me what he did wrong and begging me to respond. I started to push him away because I had a hard time with him telling me he loved me more then anything and anyone in this world. Our relationship consists of texting and phone calls, a few day trips and many walks. No sex! He became angry when I wanted to end it because I was feeling guilty and told him this wasn’t fair to me. He would lash out at me through texts calling me names, evil bitch, wishing death on me and letting me know that I will be surrounded by devil souls. Many times he would pray I have the worst in life. It got worse when he started to scare me by telling me he was going to kill himself.

    • Staffan says:

      Thanks for sharing. By now, I think the comments here are of more value than the original post.

      Threatening to kill themselves seems fairly common, and it probably works too. It seems women are more prone to guilt than men, and some guys become experts at exploiting this weakness. Some even go through with it as a deranged way of getting the last word.

      If he in fact does kill himself, always remember that this is a result of his personality, that others of his type have done this before. It doesn’t have anything to do with you. It’s a tragedy, but it’s his personal tragedy. Which may deserve pity, but never any feelings of guilt.

    • Been there says:

      You’re not alone. One of mine attempted suicide once in order to control me (my god what a nightmarish scenario that was) and then went to a mental institution on two separate occasions while we were together.

      Again in order to try and control me. All of it to keep me from leaving.

      We were only together for 2 years! That’s quite a bit of drama in 2 years wouldn’t you agree?

      No on else I’ve ever been with has done those type of things. Of course it was somehow all my fault (in their mind).

      They’re messed up. RUN! Run for your life. Borderlines are dangerous. Don’t fall for the poor me tactics they use. Just get away.

      Run and get as far away as you possibly can from them. Nothing and I mean nothing good will come out of that type of relationship. Not now and especially not in the long run.

      Once your gone if possible go ‘no contact’ it’s the best solution I’ve found for getting rid of them permanently.

      They will stick to you like super glue if you don’t. They will hunt you down for more drama. Get yourself out of their mind they are toxic even from a distance.

      Human demons. No kidding. Don’t listen to the borderlines here on this board attempting to downplay it all. They are disconnected, emotionally ill and oblivious.

      Sorry but it’s true. They will suck the life force out of you emotionally and physically.

    • Lex says:

      You should speak to a therapist about your experience instead of building up only a negative image for BPDers for everyone to see online. Like its not already fucking stigmatised.

      Oh and btw, no doubt you have your own issues for ending up in a relationship with such an undeveloped person.
      (seeing someone going through a divorce, lol, that’s stupid of you)

      Deal with your own loneliness+, before you speak bad about a situation you were equally responsible for. It takes two to tango. (i’m not ignoring what you went through in the least – see the first thing I said!)

      • Steven Jordan says:

        Lex, I can somewhat agree with you on your first paragraph. But in the last two, what you are talking about is the dependent-codependent dance. You use the same type of moral relativism that abusive people use to jusifies their behavior. Codependecy is a hell of a disease too, but they don’t abuse people on a regular basis as the dependents do.

        I totally agree that the stigma of all personality disorders must go away, a fine day. Just because people have various disorders doesn’t mean that they are bad and abusive. I think that it is the fear of the stigma that eventually turn some of them into abusive behavior i order to try conceal their disease from the public, to blame it on the abused, the codependents.

  6. Thanks says:

    This has been therapeutic. I appreciate being given the ability to rant online versus strangling the previous borderlines in my life to death.

    I once felt immense empathy for those suffering from cluster B PDs. Being raised in a family with those who suffered from them I knew exactly why they became that way.

    However suffering through the family was another story altogether.

    Going out into the world as an adult I felt it was my responsibility to NOT be like those people. A responsibility to myself and especially to all the other innocent human beings in the world who had absolutely nothing to do with that upbringing.

    I’ve come to this blog multiple times and ranted about the abuse. I stick to my guns when saying BPD individuals are NOT your friend. They are NOT your loved one.

    They thrive on your pain. They want you to feel as awful as they do.

    They will wish ill or even death upon you with intensity. They will steal from you in multiple ways. They will attempt to control you with threats of violence and suicide. They will use your children against you in ways that only evil could comprehend.

    The list goes on and on of what those with true BPD will do to you.
    They feel no real remorse. Lying is their first language (not second) and they do not care about how any of this effects you.

    There are BPD liars here on this blog as we speak.

    Attempting to garner sympathy while shaming others. Pretending as if they can comprehend the points being made. Basically seeking attention all while covertly trying to sabotage what the victims here are legitimately feeling.

    As usual. Nothing new there.

    In other words you as a victim of these people aren’t even allowed to come here online to get away from them. Their selfish, hate filled, shame based ill will toward other human beings and themselves seeps through.

    These are severely mentally ill people (don’t let anyone tell you otherwise). They should NOT be in relationships. They should not have children. They need to be left alone and avoided completely until they are cured (?) by a professional.

    Most of them shouldn’t even be on the streets. They should be monitored in an institution until they are ready to make a come back into society. Which is exactly what they used to do with them.

    Harsh? I think not.

    Not considering the emotional and physical atrocities they put families through on a daily basis. Not considering the heartless crimes they commit. Not considering their inability to truly empathize with others of the human race.

    That’s a very dangerous condition to have. It needs to be monitored.

    The therapists I’ve dealt with personally want absolutely nothing to do with them. I’ve had close relationships with more than one therapist and they have admitted to this in no uncertain terms.

    I’m a firm advocate for the victims!

    I feel no remorse for BPD sufferers. I support the victims wholeheartedly and we absolutely need more people who are willing to do so.

    I’ve chosen sides and mine will be with the victims thank you very much.

    At this point I firmly believe BPD is a form of psychopathy. I’d imagine it fits in there somewhere on a broad spectrum. I’ve dealt with them ,in real life, from the day I was born.

    There has been no evidence to indicate otherwise in MY personal experience.

    As a victim you must RUN. Get away and do not look back. They will destroy your life, they will ruin your children, they will even do such things as: run your loved ones over with a car while drunk and then feel sorry for themselves!

    They do it all the time. Think I’m kidding? Do your research.

    They will leave you feeling like an empty shell (if they don’t kill you first). Yes plenty of those with BPD have murdered those closest to them and others.

    Not just themselves.

    They feed like sharks on those with a conscience. They are complete liars when they consistently claim they aren’t aware of what they’re doing.

    They’re like part time sociopaths behind closed doors and the rest is just an act. Nothing less. Only those with less severe versions of the condition are capable of being helped.

    To top it all off once they’re done wreaking havoc on the human race (because they’re too old and tired to keep it up) the vast majority of them simply fade away into the sunset.

    Feeling sorry for no one but themselves.

    So if you’re currently seeking a worthy cause. If you feel like you would like to donate your time toward something worthwhile?

    Support the VICTIMS of those with BPD! Whenever and wherever possible. God knows they need and deserve it.

    • Staffan says:

      You’re always welcome : )

      I keep telling people to read the comments here as they offer a lot of insights. I just wish there was some online resource dedicated to this problem, given how many people are affected by it. But I guess it’s sensitive; there is an obvious risk of being branded a hater and a bigot just for telling your story.

      • Lex says:

        Nothing wrong with being a hater, its spreading that hate and not expecting backlash, is the problem.

        If you kiss more peoples ass than you piss off, you’re not being yourself.

        So whilst I can see your “one sidedness” that’s because i’m an ENTP and see all the angles, I do appreciate the post though. Especially because we don’t sort or face problems if we’re all being politically correct…

    • Lex says:

      I feel for you because you’ve completely given up on human potential to change/grow.

      I strongly dislike most people, however I accept they are people all the same, the same suffering son of a bitch, like the rest of us, living/surviving on the time we have.

      You shouldn’t call us all liars because some of us have it from emotional abuse being constantly falsely accused, blamed and punished, so now our default is TOO HONEST.

      So, fuck you for saying that:)

      It’s not worth it to explain why you are so in the wrong (morally and logically).

    • Norwegian BPD male says:

      You speak of Bpd’s as if they were predators. Heartless monsters who Enjoy making others suffer. You are wrong. The group you are talking about is the anti social personality disturbed.. Or to some degree Bpd’s with strong anti-social traits.
      Where do you come up With this kinds of BS? It seems you are surrounded by bad people. I sympathize with that… But this is probably more complexed than just blame the behaviour on BPD.
      Remember that the bpd diagnosis is Often cunningly displayed by far more sinister personalities.
      BPD’s Can of course be abusers, blamers and exploiders. But rarely in that magnitude you are displaying.
      We are not heartless in my experince.

      • Staffan says:

        I come up with from research which is linked in the post. And plenty of commentators have shared their personal experiences too. That’s where it comes from.

        The magnitude of the problem is reflected in the amount of people with this diagnos in prison for partner violence. Not everyone, but clearly this is common, even though the silence surrounding this problem may give the appearance that there is no problem at all. That’s why I wrote this post.

    • Jayslin says:

      Thank you

    • Shannon says:

      Wow! Thank you. I oscillate between love/sympathy and fear/disgust for a male BPD in my life. Every time I feel one way, he does something(s) that inexplicably lead to the other. Sad for him and me. The love I feel is eroding into to some obligatory need to stand by him for reasons that don’t feel legitimate or natural, rather, forced and devoid of depth. Then I realize his feelings that he emotes with gusto, whether good or bad, seem contrived or mimicked. And I wonder who is this person and how is my genuine love transformed into his version. Five years and he now exhibits signs of increasing schizophrenia. I analyze it to avoid the hurt. I think he knows something is wrong with him and perhaps even why. I hope he gets help. But, I don’t think it can be from me anymore.

      • Staffan says:

        Thanks for your comment. As I said to other comments, there is something genuinely appealing about these guys too, and they do suffer a lot. It’s not like psychopaths who once you see through them are easy to leave. But this is not to say love will fix them, it’s likely to do the opposite if it translates to a uncritical loyalty.

        It should also be noted that schizophrenics are much more violent than the average person, something that is also hushed up in a way similar to that of BPDS.

  7. Kyle says:

    It seems to me the that the only thing you’ve succeeded in doing with this article is providing a safe haven of negative stigma and ignorance to a select few who have had issues with someone with BPD. You use “facts” from a single study in Iowa to speak for an entire group of people? You think you’re entitled to anything because you “survived” someone with BPD? Listen kiddo, assholes literally come in all shapes and sizes from all walks of life. You cannot pin the fact that you had an unsuccessful relationship with someone with BPD, on BPD itself. Your issue lies with your less than fantastic partners (which, given then integrity of this article is easy to see why you ended up with them), not with BPD. You merely picked an assholevwho happens to have BPD. How do I know this you ask? Because for some afflicted with BPD, such as myself, every day is a testament to willpower. Some have more than others. You picked a BPD “weakling” and are now using that as an example to generalize others. The problem, buddy, lies not in your BPD partners, but with yourself. And your inability to be so defined personally, that you let others affect you negatively. You want to know why there is a shortage of support for the “victims” of partners with BPD? Because nobody ever received an applause for being the one to hit the dirt. Simply put, no one cares about your problems. You do what you need to to make sure YOU are happy. Take control for YOU. Your BPD partner didn’t make you feel bad. YOU DID. You cannot blame them. Just as people with BPD cannot blame the disorder. Food for thought. Stop throwing stones from a glass house. Namaste.

    • Staffan says:

      Thanks for your comment.

      But I can’t see how “a select few” would have a problem with violent BPDs if prisons are so full of them – specifically convicted of intimate partner violence. And it’s three studies, btw, not one single. But if you can find at least one study contradicting my claims, I’d be interested in reading it.

      Assholes do come in different shapes and sizes, I agree completely. Psychopaths are way worse than BPDs if you look at the bigger picture. Then you have everyday assholes who are corrupt, neglectful etc, much of which isn’t even illegal. But plenty of BPDs are assholes when they physically and mentally abuse their partners.

      When you say,

      “Your BPD partner didn’t make you feel bad. YOU DID. You cannot blame them,”

      your excusing violent and mental abuse on a level that many BPDs go to jail for, while blaming the victims. If you can’t understand that this behavior is wrong then I don’t know what more I can say.

    • Yeah Ok says:

      You’re not even making any sense.

      Move along. People who possess REAL strength, some emotional intelligence and a conscience are actually attempting to have rational discussions here.

      Something you obviously do not understand or even care to understand.

      Just like all the others with your condition you consistently blame the victims. How convenient!

      Unfortunately your weakness is showing. Better go cover that up with some primal rage, intense denial and a pseudo macho posturing or two.

      I’m sure you’ve mastered them all.

      Nobodies interested in your archaic beliefs and incapacity for healthy human emotion.

      By the way when A BPD disordered individual physically hurts your children ,in multiple ways, what do you suggest that victimized parent feel?

      When a BPD disordered individual sabotages their spouses work life, their family life or even murders their loved one(s).

      How do you suggest that victim feel?

      Shall I carry on with the one thousand and one other ways BPD individuals wreak serious havoc on innocent human beings?

      Keep walking. You’ve obviously lived a very sheltered life buddy. Your ‘one size fits all’ approach is humorous at best and disturbing overall.

      You’re not fooling anyone. You can take that grade school mentality somewhere else.

    • Steven Jordan says:

      To be honest, I think you are in a state of projection here. A total blame storm on an opponent, with little real arguments about the issue.

  8. Vic Demise says:

    Oh my god- this is just CRAP.
    These people are not only already dealing with a HUGE degree of stigma, but they are victims themselves- which is how they ended up this way. Further BPDs (of which I am one) have a GREAT recovery rate- if they don’t don’t kill themselves first (since about 10% do). The chances of a BPD hurting anyone other than themselves is negligible.

    I’m sure the writer speaks from personal experience, and that’s unfortunate that they had to deal with whatever that consisted of, but to make such damaging and sweeping general statements is just irresponsible, and a little mean (though I can see where your personal experiences might lead you to feel justified in saying such things).

  9. Lex says:

    I’m probably BPD and my GFs initials are E.M.O lol.

    Theres two types of dangerous, out of control dangerous and can be dangerous if choose to be. I’m the latter, I have self control and have always destroyed stuff, not attacked people.
    The former though, is the most dangerous. Friend of the family Wife is clearly BPD and everyone is afraid of her (terrified), i’m not, I just want to punch her in the face for how she acts towards and treats people). Ofc when I’m not reacting I want to try and help her because I do understand. (ASD+BPD=interesting combo)

    I’m just posting this to say,
    Not all BPD men are physically dangerous, just as not all BPD women are whores.
    I’m actually very emotionally sensitive for a male (or even female) as well. For example Hearing babies cry makes me overwhelmingly upset. (tears)

    The people I do want to hurt are people that damage(including /especially traumatise) thers and honestly the only reason I don’t is because of the law.

    It seems female BPD are more likely to manipulate. I never manipulate I HATE it!

    Your post is okay I guess, you do only show one side though and that is wrong.
    I would never hurt my GF (and best friend) I’m far more likely to self destruct if I lose presence of conscious mind under the mountain of overwhelming emotion.

    I am a rage-o-holic, but its directed at people that are bad people and I refuse and possibly cant stop myself. I mean, how can anyone walk away or not say something, seeing or hearing someone getting hurt /bullied and so on. I hate people who do nothing just because “reacting like I do is uncivilised and not mature” Its fucking disgusting!!!

    If I flip at someone I love and care about or can see someone is scared, I can and do stop myself.

    I am a troll, although retired, I was a skilled troll and not those bullshit bullies who use it as an excuse to bully!

    I have frequently said to people “I’d kill you for making that rape/child abuse joke if I could” and I never get in trouble for saying it because everyone knows i’m right and they stop with that shit, because they can see in my rage’s firey reflection, how much of an effect what they’re saying on others and wrongness they’re actually saying.
    Watching: “John Doe: Vigilante” made me cycle with tears and rage throughout the entire fucking film.

    My psychiatrist thinks how I react when I decimate bullying abusive trolls is “wrong” saying I need to be careful to not be seen as a bully. Clearly he doesn’t understand and additionally won’t accept, extreme is need to make a change against the extreme generations. I’m all to well aware of bullying.

    So in short, BPD males aren’t all bad. However I wish others could be more sensitive to others including when around me.

    Its just the male stereotype which stops us from expressing our sensitive side and showing vulnerability.
    However, aint no motherfucker telling me who I can and cannot be, hehe. So i’ll rage if i’m upset and bawl tears if I damn well feel like it!

    I’m anti-antisocial, but also pretty asocial what with most of humanity being like.

    Once upon a time I was called Sociopath a few times, that wasn’t the case exactly, I was just severly detached from my emotions and in “problem solving no nonsense frustrating mode”. I’ve since started reconnecting and opening up.

    I’d say BPDers are only a threat if they lack self awareness.

    Btw, ive been to prison, at 16 when I was on ultimate self destruct. You really shouldn’t just use data when you don’t actually have experience with such a group of people. I actually met some nice (but messed up) people in there. So drop it with your prison population BPD % and crime types in prison, cause you only “know ” what you’ve read!

  10. Trey Fostet says:

    Im a male in my 20s I just found out two days ago I have borderline. I havent been diagnosed but ive done alot of research and every description and symptom i have found fits me. I have been diagnosed with bipolar depression. I understand the need to help victims because I know firsthand the pain we cause. I have hurt several partners throughout the relationship and even more after they leave. I have so much regret at such an early age and up until i discovered I had this illness i didnt know why i did these things to people. If you dont have borderline you cannot understand what it is like. It is a living hell Its like you have a monster living inside of you that you cant control and that doesnt want you or others to be happy. The victims dont deserve what we have done but I just dont understand why God put people like me on this earth. I didnt ask to be this way and have tried to change but its almost like its second nature. Like no matter how much I try to be a good decent human being the evil always comes out and ruins everything. I do my best to control it and let the good that people see in me shine through but it never fails. Every relationship some friendships i mess up without even realising what im doing until they want absolutely nothing to do with me and I am left feeling a mountain of regret and asking myself why did i say that or do that. I was going to kill myself last november after seeing my dad one last time not even conscious because of being sedated for alcohlism. At the time i didnt know i was borderline but I knew something was wrong with me and I hated myself and didnt want to hurt anyone else. When i came back from seeing my dad I met this amazing girl and we just hung out a couple times and soon after became a couple. I thought i could change and this time would be different and I could build with someone and travel, start a family, grow old together no different than anybody else. I just wanted to be happy and have someone to enjoy life with so I decided to give life another shot. It started off great those first few months were some of the best times of my life. She told me i was the love of her life. Soon the same pattern occured I couldnt control it. Its like another person took over and i couldnt do anything but sit back and watch and try to pick up the pieces after the demon broke her down and made her cry. I tried so hard to change but it continued. I ridiculed her for her past and made her feel so low, I controlled and manipulated her, I became incredibly insecure and jealous of her talking to other male friends. After six months i was going to kill myself because i saw what i was doing in hindsight to her and didnt want to hurt her. She told me she couldnt loose me and told my family.I promised everyone i wouldnt do it. She stayed but it continued and she finally got sick of it and left. This is when i became truly despicable. I threatened to expose private photos of her and then felt sorry afterwards so sorry for everything i did I told her i let a guy who catfished me as posing as a female until we met up give me oral a couple years back and I didnt even know why i did it. She was upset and shocked and mad because I judged her and ridiculed her past every chance i got. She told me she hated my guts and to leave her alone. I basically haraseed her and she changed her number. I was in a rage and continued to harass her and threatened to expose pics via email. After i got out this rage i felt ashamed and told her i was going to kill myself. She tried to reassure me i was a good person and to keep living but still wanted nothing to do with me. I entered a rage again and found her new number and harrased her again. She had a Marshall contact me but the demon didnt care i continued again. She changed her number again and i threatened via email to give her social to a identity thief. She said i deceived her about who i was and that i am despicable. I agree with her i am but I dont want to be that person. I wish i could be normal and just live a happy life and be decent and just be whatever people see in me before they meet the monster but i cant this illness doesnt care it just wants to destroy. I just want to say we dont want to be what we are. I didnt choose to be like this. God or whoever created us made me this way. I hate myself so much for what I’ve done to people and to myself. I just wanted to be happy but that’s just a dream for people like me. The only reason I havent killed myself is because the promise I made my mom and I dont want to hurt her because she has been through alot. I really am disgusted with myself and my actions im done trying to beat this monster. Im not going to hurt anyone else im going to do what is best and kill myself on December 6th 2015. I just have to tie up some loose ends and say goodbyes. We are monsters but we dont choose to be it is just the hand we’ve been dealt. If God exists I hope ill get to ask him why me. To all the victims I apologize on behalf of all borderlines for the misery we put you through. You dont deserve it.

    • Staffan says:

      Thanks for your reply. It’s very sad to hear your story and I hope you will reconsider your decision to end your life.

      You’ve done some bad things, yes, but you will not undo that by killing yourself, and I doubt many victims would want you to do it either, even if they want to keep a safe distance.

      I understand that you’re desperate, not seeing an end to your problems, but keep in mind that there are mental health workers who can help. And you are still in your 20s – impulsivity decreases with age. With time you will act less on your impulses and be able to make better decisions, have better relationships. Things will become better.

      And you’re not a monster. You would not have written this if you were. It seems more like sensitive people, especially men I think, often have a mean streak. It can be very destructive and take over your life completely – but it’s still just a small part of who you really are. Judging by your comment you are person with capacity for love and a wish to do the right thing. That mean streak gets in the way and it makes you hurt people, but if you can find a way to fight it and reach your true potential, you could be happy and make others happy too.

      If there is a God he must have created you for a reason, and that reason can’t be for you to simply undo his creation. I don’t know you but just reading this hurts. And it must surely hurt many people around you infinitely more. The best apology you could give your victims is to find help and better yourself. Others have done it, and as I mentioned earlier, impulsive behavior is a big part of the problem (we all have dark thoughts) but that decreases with age. Time is on your side. So please don’t give up on yourself. I wish you all the best.

  11. Reblogged this on J.M.M. Wheeler and commented:
    malignant narcissist borderline, yes

  12. alexander Wolf says:

    There have been two episodes of Criminal Minds, a show I love and respect, that have addressed the borderline person. Unfortunately, both were made into nothing less than monsters. One had an elaborate set up where he would make others stab him and him stab them. The second was the son of a one time film star who evolved into murdering women, cutting their lips off and putting them on his dead mother.

    In my opinion, a show that is so widely watched needs to be more careful when dealing with conditions such as the borderline individual, who although can become violent, turn the majority of their violence at themselves. I am a male with BPD and have never laid a hand on anyone with the intent to harm. I find the information in Criminal Minds damaging both in its insinuations that borderlines are outwardly violent, dangerous people, and by making borderline patients feel more isolated, more worthless and gives the idea that they should punish themselves.

    The way that those two episodes were handelled was rather irresponsible and if anything, simply caused more damage than education.

    • Staffan says:

      Yes, you’d think it should be possible to make an interesting story out of the real facts, at least in the case of BPD, which has a lot of internal and external conflicts to make dramatic plots from. Unfortunately producers of TV and film often underestimate the audience and assume they can’t handle such complexity.

  13. Lisa says:

    There’s far more angry, jealous, violent men. Girls usually tend to be logical and hold back because they aren’t allowed to express feelings at all.

    • Staffan says:

      I think you may be confusing cause and effect. It’s socially more acceptable yes, but why is that? If it was purely a social arrangement we’d see more cross-cultural variation. More likely, sex differences are biological in origin and they set the standards for what is acceptable.

  14. l says:

    It is known that when people with BPD feel guilty, they seek relief from their suffering by engaging in more harmful behaviour (self or else) which turns into a habit over the years. Therefore the declared intention behind the chosen tone of the article defeat its objective.

    • Staffan says:

      My intention was to describe the problem of violent male BPDs as this is clearly not something many people want to talk about. Note that this silence hasn’t made the problem go away, it only puts other people at risk. There are many potential ways of helping these men, but I’m certain that hushing it up is not one of them.

      Feel free to browse the comment section for more details.

  15. l says:

    i am male with BPD and I am the one who has been beaten up by a women partner and I am the one who have got into physical fights to protect women and men I did not even know. Never been violent but to myself, This article might be using scientific facts albeit in a highly manipulative, incorrect and stigmatising manner.

    • Staffan says:

      Thanks for you comment. I don’t think I give an incorrect picture though. More like the bigger picture. Male BPDs wouldn’t get convicted of intimate partner violence to the degree they do if they weren’t on the average more violent.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 163 other followers

%d bloggers like this: